Oh wow, Hi!

All the professionals have a website they've let go for 11 years, right?

Weird to be back. Weird to revive this. Weird to care so much. Weird.

Weird that defining this gap can pretty much boil down to my Facebook and Twitter arcs. Twitter is all gone. Facebook wants to be all gone. The era is gone! And now I have to post here, again!

We're on secure, updated software. The front-end code is old and reflects old conventions. But it's mine, and I still like it.

Not just one kid, but two. A business shift. Healing, healing, healing. Boundaries. Feeling strong, finally, with my skills and future. So much to do - here! Not on Facebook or any other platform owned by other people.

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Conceptually Driven

Oh wow, Hi!

All the professionals have a website they've let go for 11 years, right?

Weird to be back. Weird to revive this. Weird to care so much. Weird.

Weird that defining this gap can pretty much boil down to my Facebook and Twitter arcs. Twitter is all gone. Facebook wants to be all gone. The era is gone! And now I have to post here, again!

We're on secure, updated software. The front-end code is old and reflects old conventions. But it's mine, and I still like it.

Having a baby - in like, 5 seconds

Hi Friends, As many of you know, and some of you do not, I'm due to deliver a baby boy in about 12 days. I've been doing my best to stay active and busy during this time - sorta "business as usual" approach - but as you may be able to imagine, some of the physical limitations that now govern my decisions are making me tired, restless, and less able to push forward than in previous days. I've got an extra 30 lbs limited solely to the frontal abdomen that are consuming resources, weighing me down, throwing me off-balance, you name it. The good news is, it's only temporary. The other good news is - the joy of being a first-time parent for me and my spouse is just around the corner. In the coming days before I go to the hospital, I will expend as much energy as I can find to do art, this website, keep you updated on everything, etc. I just don't know how long I have, and I want you to know that I think about writing to you every day. I'll be a mom in a minute, and a whole new lot of topics will become part of this blog. I'll be putting my feet up a bit too, as you may expect. I deserve it, right?

New website design is live!

Hola everyone! I'm pleased to finally be showing you the design I've been working on for months for this brand-new look and feel for carolinecblaker.com. In the spirit of "The cobbler's children never have new shoes," often does self-serving work of professional web designers and developers go un-delivered. We are not always our own best clients. Suffice to say that some upcoming events, including the shedding of an old web server and a baby due date fast-forwarded this project on my list. It's now live, at least in a skeletal, many-features-coming form. I know, I know, "Yeah Right!" Actually - many features that you cannot access are already installed - but there are reasons why they're not live yet: like they're not flushed out visually, or they need a tiny bit more development time, or going live to avoid a complete shut-down of the site was more important in the interim than their addition to a dev to live environment site. For those who don't speak geek - I've set myself up to be able to not only update, but improve this site easily, so much so that new features even now are imminent. What are they? Well - let me just get through this launch first. Then I can show and tell. You'll notice a completely different organization of information, everywhere but the Portfolio section, and the Projects section. I've ditched the whole "Scene," and "About" parental section approaches in favor of a more easily accessed, fewer-clicks-to-goal structure, adding additional top-level nav elements for better SEO and more accurate naming ("Scene" was a great, broad idea, but in the end, what the hell was it? I never did quite get there.) About section now contains some lit based on my work as an artist - but the blogs have broken free into their own sections. Rants and Raves and Conceptually Driven no longer live as sub-sections to non-obvious parents. For these, for now - the commenting is gone - but not forever. It'll just take a little longer to assure that it works just as needed. Along these lines, I've also made it easier to find exhibits and shows in perpetuity - both current and a list of the ones of which I am proud. As always, it's a true pleasure to hear your suggestions and comments both by email, on social media, or any other slick way you have of reaching me. Please don't hold back. I've designed and developed this site based on the sensibilities I've developed over the last 10 (!!) years working on websites and even longer as an artist of what artists sites should be, include, have, offer. Most importantly, it's what you, the user, needs from the site - so I look forward to hearing what that is. Keep a look-out for awesomeness in the future, here. I'll also announce new features as they arrive.

New carolinecblaker.com is in development

This website is my first website. As someone who builds websites every day in a high-demand environment, I have a fondness for this one that supercedes my love for my work (which I LOVE a LOT.) In the past, it has been the canvas for my development skills. If you have been visiting for more than a few years, undoubtedly you remember it being riddled with bugs, impossible to use, or just having one of those "what was she thinking?" moments. As it turns out this problem is systemic for artists, but I'm not just an artist. I'm a professional web developer AND artist. I have the time, the know-how, and the motivation to produce a superlative website to showcase and sell my art work. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. Aside from personal vanity, I do have motivation for the work I'm doing for this website. Lately, I've noticed that despite my fondenss for this website, I hate updating it. Yep, you heard me - it's a pain. When the last iteration of the design was built, it was the easiest site to update I had ever had. How times change. Nothing about the site has changed, just my expectations, though I admit, I have mishandled some upgrades, but the current version of my software, even fully upgraded, is no longer being supported or developed. I expect a cleaner interface. I expect more efficient layouts. I expect an easier time attracting visitors and interacting with them. With these expectations in mind, I'll be upgrading to the latest version of ExpressionEngine (my beloved platform,) installing on my new MediaTemple grid server (soon to be known as Petroglyph Hosting,) and installing in the same place as PetroglyphCreative.com so that all of my information is in one place. The current design (assuming you're seeing this text before the new site is launched,) is extremely photoshop intensive. My next iteration will be very code intensive. This will cut down on load time and make good use of some of the internet's best styling and html. Additionally, I will be adding responsive properties as well - meaning it displays differently when being viewed on a mobile device, as though it was developed just for that. Well, It kind of will be. I want every user on every device to have the most fluid possible experience looking at my art and reading my blogs. And I want this piece to shine in my portfolio. I'll be adding a lot of high-end features too. Login with facebook or twitter? Check. Rate paintings? Check. Share all content easily and interactively? Check. Buy seamlessly and easily? Oh gosh, you bet. All of it. Every last bit. And all on software that can handle upgrade, after upgrade, after upgrade. Oh and one quick thing - see that graphic attached here? I made that. So even my photoshop capabilities have skyrocketed. This site will look slick. It'll act slick. It'll be, I'm hoping, the best artist website on the web. I sincerely mean that: I have every intent of making the best possible site for what I need out there, all things considered. It's a tall order, but I know that now is the time to accomplish this. And of course, I'll post about it, as soon as it's live.

Support an Artist While Spending Nothing

Many people feel that supporting an artist beyond compliments and verbal encouragement is out of their reach if they dont have money to buy artwork. While the best way to support an artist is to (buy art and) support their livelihood, here are a few things that are free, that make a huge difference to the artist you would like to support.

Share their work ~ Do you have a Facebook account? Twitter? StumbleUpon? Guess what - if you said yes, you also have a network outside of the reach of the artist you would like to help, and chances are your network and you share a lot of common interests, so why not this artist? The options are endless here: share one piece, their portfolio, their blog, their events, their entire website, their facebook page - and the list goes on. Dont know quite what to share? Ask the Artist!
Volunteer time or skills ~ If you live near an artist this is easy - hang a show with him or her. Help set up a studio open-house, or just go to the artists events, talk to strangers on their behalf, and start conversations about the art. Dont live near the artist? You can still write a blog for them, talking about your opinions of their work, or introduce their work to somebody else in your network, one on one, who you feel may be as interested as you are.
Participate ~ if the artist you know is collecting materials of any kind, this is a fantastic way to support them. My collection of credit cards would be nowhere without 5 specific awesome people - yet I could be completely buried in credit cards if only a percent more of my fan base saved their solicitation credit cards they get in the mail, rather than throwing them away. Chances are, if you are able to collect it, the artist will willingly and gratefully facilitate the transportation of materials back to his/her studio for use.
Inform them ~ Have a favorite gallery? Or just a place you drive by all the time that reminds you of them? Know of an upcoming exhibit that you feel they would like? Did you go to a show and end up speaking about an artist to someone, or see work that reminded you of theirs? Artists who are trying to emerge mainly seek opportunities to expand their reach to a relevant audience, something that is a lot trickier than it may appear to you, as someone they have already reached. If you have a quick tip or direction, they will do all the work to pursue it, and you will get all the credit!
Be ready ~read their content, subscribe to their newsletter, and have conversations with them about the work you like or the content they send. Know some key points to their artist statement. Know where they come from and what they value about their background. When you have the opportunities to act on the previous points, you will be educated enough about this artist to be able to share them, volunteer, participate, or inform them with relevance and timeliness.

Let me tell you a little secret - an artists popularity isnt defined by the sales they make. Its defined by the number of people who know about them and admire their work. Secondarily, its also defined by the number of people who hate their work. As much as a fan will tell their friends about a great experience they had somewhere, or a great product they bought, or a great artist who inspires them, an average consumer will talk five times more about a product they hate, an awful experience somewhere, and maybe even art that they saw and hated. Artists deal with a lot of rejection, but attention is attention, and if a person is fired up about artwork, either positively or negatively, and they talk about it, it counts as valuable publicity and attention. Even better, the folks that dont like it, who share it as bad (or whatever they come up with,) are unwittingly supporting this artist whom they despise.Popularity, more than any other thing, drives art sales throughout the art industry.

Assuming this, there is no network that is unsuitable for promoting this artist you like, especially not yours. And yes; your time, attention, words, and information all count, and the artist should notice - and if they dont, theres nothing wrong with bringing it to their attention. They will react with gratitude and take notice that you are paying attention to what they are doing, and if they dont, dont feel the need to continue supporting them. Without a captive audience, artists never reach the collectors, buyers, or patrons who have the power to make or break their career. The bigger this audience is, the better the artists chance at succeeding at what they are trying to do - sustain themselves solely with their artwork, and the better their chances at sales in general, even if you never buy anything.

You can play a role in the success of your favorite artist, a big one, without any money at all. You just have to want to support them - then take action.

The logo: What you don’t know about it

Two-dimensional design is a notoriously difficult class for incoming freshmen at any art school, and here I found myself; second semester, under the tutelage of one of those "never gives an A" teachers, learning the basics of radial and symmetrical designs in black and white. Oh, and three days prior, I had been diagnosed with Mono(nucleosis) as every college student at some point is: first, you drink your neighbors water instead of your own, never mind that this person should not have been out in public let alone working at the phoneathon. Then, a month later, there's a brick wall that hits. You go into medical services and get a blood test. Then, when they call, they obey every paltry privacy rule (a practice on which your friends report conflicting adherence) in urging you to the third degree to show up at once so they can break the bad news to your face, as if you already did not know. If you're a sucker like me, you also gave blood a few days before; blood you really could use right about now. I decided to tell some of my teachers about my illness, mainly the ones in the mornings with attendance policies. I missed a few morning classes. I slept every chance I got. I took a few unexcused absences. After a relatively unrelenting week, I began noticing that no matter how long I slept for I felt the same. Every nap, every night, every time; I would wake up exactly as tired as when I laid down. While the observation was exacerbating to my frustration in trying to beat the condition, it was also empowering; despite the constant weight of being tired, I stopped thinking of Mono as something sleep could affect. Instead, it was apparently this crazy shroud illusion of constant effect that I would need to wait out. There's something transformative that happens to the intention of a person once their most fearsome boundaries are determined to be nothing more than paper tigers. Over-exhaustion? Like every waking hour! - but it's fluctuations were no more severe than the average day-to-day levels I would experience on perfectly healthy days. It didn't take me more than a couple of days, once testing this theory, to settle into it's groove as a constantly exhausted person and just chug along with my obligations. I managed to avoid telling most professors, like the 2D one; as I was not interested in being judged as different by them or my peers or being offered unnecessary shortcuts. Never mind that I should not have been out in public. One of these nights, my logo was born. The assignment was radial symmetry and invention of a design of our own. (there were other specifics but I cannot remember them.) this was the only late night I had all semester before finals, and I spent it deliriously scribbling, erasing, and eventually penning the design on auto-pilot. Unlike every other assignment that semester, none of the visual decisions that went into this composition had been reconsidered, weighed, or otherwise consciously evaluated. There was a simple, almost industrial sensibility informed by a sense of urgency and limit of will to interfere. My sub-conscious did the work, and my consciousness sat back and watched it on the big screen. Later on, I was fortunate enough to be able to steal Illustrator CS and migrate the logo to a digital .ai file, while learning hard lessons about computer memory and limitations. I've been able to fine tune it some by adding and moving key points on the paths. I still have the original (dog-eared, stained) drawing I submitted, and it still has the grade on the back. Grade

I am a Native European

My contemporary struggle with cultural identity began with my husband and ended with my vacation to Europe. Over the span of nearly four years, I examined why my now-husbands proximity to his (Native American) culture evoked jealousy behind the gratitude I felt for his happiness and sense of identity with his tribes and with the earth. I wanted an identity with the earth. I wanted to be close to a rooted ancestry group. I wanted what he had - but not exactly what he had. No matter how much I wanted, pleaded or begged, I wouldnt be allowed in anyway. As I began to learn more about the paths and histories of the Native American tribes, the answer was clear: to fully respect them is to leave them alone. While pining after an adopted new identity additionally felt like both a callous waste of time and a dishonest path to the truth, I began to wonder where else to look. Of course, what Buddhism teaches, to look inside oneself for all answers, didnt seem obvious at the time, but it came out eventually. And the Q&A was simple: What are you? This How did you get here? Sex and boats. Hm. Those boats; from Europe. But before that, where were these people? Were they migratory? Where they indigenous? Im not anthropology expert, but they had to have come from somewhere. And Europe has been settled for tens of thousands of years. Those people, my ancestors, migrated as tribes to Europe and settled in to cultivate the land - or to raid the settlements of others, much like other tribes that still carry tribal identity. We are all indigenous from somewhere. Some places those folks have brown skins, but in Europe those people have white skins, like me. And theyre still there as well as over here. Identifying myself as white has always echoed in memory the least savory aspects possible of cultural identity. Aryan raiders, American white settlers who ravaged Native American tribes and lands (and later bought and sold Africans as slaves), Nazis, Klan. [I think] these folks identified their whiteness as superior and that was part of what drove them to kill, pillage, and worse. Thinking of myself in a group among these people and trying to be proud of my world heritage are completely mutually exclusive. While other peoples enjoy and celebrate their heritage, folklore, culture, and identity, white Americans have roughly a 200 year settlement history marred with brutality and prejudice, but still a few mainly military and government history holidays that we manage to celebrate. There are also Christian holidays that are widely celebrated for some folks more than others. Despite the long-ago Roman empire takeover of most of Europe that planted churches just about everywhere, holidays of pre-existing religions and worship are still celebrated today. These holidays combine very old mythologies with the change of the seasons and the behavior of the earth both on the surface and in space. These religions vary in their current names and some, like Wicca, were persecuted. Each one was a system of belief for a small group of people in a small place. They evolved in small quantities and many joined forces for underground survival during various times of persecution, melding deities, holidays, rituals, and more. My own personal heritage is Norwegian, Swedish, British, German, and possibly Romanian. Yet it was this latest vacation to France that awoke me to the notion of blood-line belonging to a place on Earth. During many visits to small villages, farms, and homes, it gently occurred to me that I was meeting people whose first ancestry in their region or country might be completely lost for thousands of years of age. Even if a grandfather came from nearby Italy, or further Poland, there would be other ancestry that went further back than that, locally. Even so, the distance from Warsaw to Paris is only around 850 miles - less than the distance from New York City to St. Louis. No matter what arbitrary divisions are created for the sake of government, language, or currency in this region, the fact remains that this tiny region of the world is where I am from, even as an eighth generation American. Coming back to the states where everybody, it seems, is ethnic but the whiteys, was a true realization that I dont fit in to that mould. I am ethnic. My skin is white, and my hair is blonde, but I am indigenous to Europe and that is a simple fact. My blood lines have been here for 300 years, but they have been there for thousands of years, and they still are there. I am a Native European. I think Im going to start to use this on forms where they ask to profile me. Ill choose Other, and if necessary write in Native European. After all, what convention about being native to Europe has allowed us to drop mention of our continental heritage in profiling? Native Americans, African-Americans, Asians all have this privilege. It says to me that the creators of these conventions are naming the differences compared to their own population, and furthermore We are normal, you are different. Id rather be different. I didnt just pop out of some white gelatinous mess to be in-line with a history of oppression. Im from somewhere with a rich history, and whether or not they tell me that I have it, I do. And I can find it. Meanwhile, feel free to think of yourself as Native European or European-American, if this mould doesnt suit you either.

What? This is a Twitterscape?

Yesterday I sent 9 of the preliminary "Twitterscapes" off for printing for the upcoming exhibit. My printer called me three times out of what he called "confusion," though I read in it disbelief. My art printer (one of the best fine art printers in New Mexico,) who spends days at a time immersed in fine art, could not fathom why I wanted to print these, nor could he tell if I had sent him the correct images, or if I had just gone crazy. He may have thought he got a set of images that were corrupted. Of course, the images I sent him don't look like Twitterscapes, or fine art. They look like mistakes. Explaining to him that these were the visual clues I had for developing Twitterscapes in-process seemed to clarify a bit, though he still appeared to think they were not worth printing, or at least not well suited for it. Hm. I guess he doesn't see a lot of conceptual art. They are a bit strange, but conceptually they are some of the richest images I have ever made. Moreover, the stronger my career and tenure as an artist gets, the more fundamentally important they become to my body of work. Even though they might be minimally visually engaging, these images tell a story; one that my efforts will ultimately define its role to myself and others. Nine of these images will be a part of the March 25 exhibit: The Twitterscape Theory at Petroglyph Creative.

Marketing, newsletters, projects. Oh, my!

And suddenly, as Eric Meyer eloquently put it on New Years Eve, we have passed yet another arbitrary gregorian boundary condition. Out with 2010, in with 2011. While Im glad its over, 2010 was a revolutionary year; marriage, career independence, all in the span of two months and continuing now and into the future. God Almighty, Im free at last. And since 2011 is here, I shall declare that this year will not be about improvement, yearning, or gaining freedom as last year and years past have been. This year is about engagement. Its about full-throttling on connecting with people, an audience, and introducing the world to my bodies of work on its terms. What do I do? How is it contributing anything to anyones life? There is very specific language being used for artwork and web development; I have learned it for web development but not yet for art. Its a new palate of research- one that has to be approached by appropriating the use of descriptions from several existing working examples, then absorbing its ingenuity and faults, and lastly creating an independently formulated use of these rules that is the best description for the work possible. Seems like a lot for an artist statement, but then there are shows, gallery proposals, and of course my blogs, by which I have the chance to grab fans and collectors out of thin air. So the efforts that shall come from this will be: more reaching out to juried exhibits, more newsletter blasts, more on-site projects (I hope) and more blog posts, social media communications, and more organization around all of these. If I have it my way, Ill even revamp this site to organize everything a little bit more effectively. This year is also about commemoration and celebration of being healthy for five years; the (again, arbitrary) time period formerly known as remission ; I will have a lot of anniversaries this year, from diagnosis, to cure, to end-of-treatment - all this year, beginning in 9 days (1/12/11)- which will be five years from cancer diagnosis. Come to think of it, I found my lump 5 years ago tomorrow! Its cold in New Mexico. Yesterday the thermometer read 2 when I went for my jog. Today, it thankfully skyrocketed to 26. At Petroglyph, where the building leaks heat, Im sitting in front of a new heat dish I picked up at Costco. Gratefully, I am bundling up, stoking the fire (or turning the heater on HI), and getting ready to work through this long, cold month or two. In Albuquerque, thats the length of the winter we have. Two months is all you get. By the end of January, the jackets start to come off and the warm afternoons are spent with the windows open. But hey, look - this year has actually passed. I almost missed it - I was too busy living life to its fullest.

Bigger than Pink - actually being aware of Breast Cancer

As you and I have both been bombarded with pink fabrics, billboards, store items, and apparel as far as the NFL, we both know that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Its a month that is either officially dedicated, or unofficially dedicated, (not quite sure here) to some particular cancer that women get in the breast, and that by buying said pink stuff or by being reminded of some cancer youll probably never get (or whatever, you might, but who cares?) you are being told by some charities and some other authorities that by just seeing or spreading pink in any way possible, you are making the world a better place.

At the inception of my adult life around 2003, all of this became the rage every October. I mostly ignored it. I did pick up a credit card that promised donations to Komen, without having any idea what Breast Cancer was. So what? Its a charity. They gave me a high limit. That was okay with me. And what was Breast Cancer anyway? I quietly put up with all of this crying about Breast Cancer crap, like everyone does, who is as unrelated to any survivor as I was. I even resented a little, as an artist, how they hijacked the color pink once a year. I didnt really have any need for pink, so I mostly ignored this one too.

Despite all of my ignoring, I was becoming more aware of Breast Cancer, involuntarily, by all of this atmospheric baby-girl pink everywhere at all times. I was becoming more aware, that is, of something that is a Cancer of the Breast existed, and that more and more people felt that they should find a cure for it. Its kind of like an election with no voting. For a momentary period of time, some part of the populous is consumed by some cause that will cure some problem and then its over when they say its going to be, beit Novemer 8th or October 31. Then everything goes back to normal. We get to wait another year to be bombarded with Pink once again.

The tiny place in my mind where my Breast Cancer Awareness existed was ripped open, stuffed full, surgically hinged, and locked shut again in a single day, and it didnt have Octobers help to ease the transition. It was January 10, within 2 weeks of the statistical Worst Day of the Year (actually I think I had my lymph node surgery on that day, maybe.) I had a mammogram, an ultrasound, or three, and a biopsy oh AND the medical student they allowed to take the second core missed the novocated area. (They are brilliant I tell you.) What had lead up to this was that I felt something like a pebble on my boob, right near the nipple that had disappeared into my breast for 8 months. It had been examined by an Ob-GYN, who did not find it. Nobody else who had seen it had any idea why it would be so stuck in there. Then I guess I touched a place near there where nobody else had yet, and to the phone I went. I walked out of the hospital that day with my head down, every radiology tech or doctor trailing me from their chairs with bewildered faces. Not only could I get Breast Cancer, I did have it, it is what this was, and I didnt know anything more, like if I was dying or not.

Breast Cancer Awareness, in its floods of pink and whole month of marketing blitzes, is failing. It is failing every future person who will get Breast Cancer who doesnt have any idea what it is, like me. It would be better renamed to something like Breast Cancer Comfort for what it does best, which is to remind and assure survivors, families, and loved ones that the world is watching and trying to do better. Breast Cancer Awareness does nothing to teach the uninvited world anything more about the disease.

Even when you do get some information, like Look for a lump in your breast or Do a self-check every month, all I can say is at least it is something, but my Ob-GYN DID NOT FIND MY LUMP IN HIS OFFICE with all of his experience, performing said exam. I cannot stress that enough. He thought my breast looked weird but his exam turned up nothing. Half the time when you do find lumps they are cysts and other natural, harmless things. The dude later apologized through his assistant. In other news, I wont be going to a golf-loving, young male Ob-GYN ever again.

Here are some points that I would like to make that I feel that Breast Cancer Awareness is sorely missing, from my own personal experience as a patient with the disease:

Go outside, pick up a pebble. If you ever feel this (short of surface texture) under your skin anywhere, beit, breast, armpit, or any other body part, RUN to the nearest screening center.
Men do get Breast Cancer, though these cases occur alongside genetic indicators.
If you feel an abnormality in your breast that moves, is squishy, or hurts, it probably isnt cancer. But get it checked out anyway.
If anyone would have been exempt from a Breast Cancer threat by statistics: age, family history, or the like, it would have been me. NO woman is exempt from the threat. Feel your boobies.
Roughly 70% of breast cancer is Ductal, the rest is Lobular. Ductal means it occurs in or near the milk ducts, which means it sits right no your nipple. If you notice anything weird going on with your nipple at all, even loss of sensation, get it checked out. Lump or no lump. I noticed loss of sensation when I was 21.
Lobular carcinoma occurs in or near the milk glands themselves, so that can be harder to find or sense. If your breasts feel unevenly weighted or textured, get it checked out.
Most tumors require surgery. If its Ductal, you will lose your affected nipples. Sorry. I know it sucks. If its Lobular, the balance of your breast will be affected. Looking like frankenstein under your shirt can put a real damper on dating, but most partners who dont mind are actually worth your time. (hello silver lining!)
Depending on the number of affected lymph nodes (hopefully none - you will lose at least 4 even if its determined to be none) - you will need surgeries to excise them, which while not being too dis-forming, can cause the lymph in your body to just sit and collect in these spaces where the lymph nodes used to be. This is called lymphedema.
Chemo is scientifically-engineered poison. It comes in bags and in syringes. They will probably insert a port under your skin over the right side to access your Aorta instead of sticking your arm with this burning stuff, during some other surgery. Youll feel like a robot, but in the end it saves your arm veins. Theyll also want to keep it in in case you need more chemo after your initial round of 8, 12, 16, or 20.
Chemo treatments vary, but mine were done every 2 weeks a total of 8 times. The sensations also vary, but if you have ever been very hungover or recovering from the influence of a stronger chemical, this feels similar. Ongoing, inescapable, toxic pain. Best of all, you have to babysit yourself - if you get hungry or thirsty and ignore it, it could become a medical emergency.
If you have not had all of your children yet, they will put you through medical menopause to give your reproductive system the best chance of survival. This is menopause induced by hormones by injection monthly. As if the chemo wasn't bad enough, you will no longer have estrogen and re-experience life as a 10 year old girl.
If you have surgery to remove your tumor, ask about the margins. Do not accept anything other than 100% perfect, clean margins. If you dont get clean margins, find another surgeon to clean up the mess the first one made.
Radiation isnt that bad, but it is daily.
You may not survive.
After all of this treatment, you will be bald, fat, out of shape, frankenstein, and expected by everyone to get your life back, because nobody likes to see you like this.
Nothing will ever be difficult after this, ever again. Well maybe a few things, but the list diminishes significantly.
--BUT--
Every time you see a pink flag, you will be grateful for your life.

Personally, I wish that Breast Cancer Awareness take the next step of making the public truly aware in sharing facts and patient observations more fluidly, as well as placing the emphasis on funding. Funding the medical research necessary to develop less invasive, more effective treatments, or even a cure, will eventually solve the problem that is Breast Cancer: a deforming medical hell that is on the rise because of mostly unknown factors. All Cancer research funding is worthwhile, it took a 400 Level Biology of Cancer Class during the summer of my treatment to prove this to my ears - They can and do figure out ways that all cancers start, grow, and metastasize. This, however, takes a lot of time, effort, equipment, and trials. Without funding, no advances can be made. Eventually there will be a cure, even if this is determined to be No air pollution shall exist, they will discover it, and when they do, it will be because of Komen, and Dr. Susan Love, and all of the generous funding, charities, and hard working scientists who dedicate their days to mindfully breaking down the secrets of Breast Cancer.

And while I wish Pink taught us more about what the disease really is, I love seeing it and knowing that so much effort is behind destroying Breast Cancer.

ExpressionEngine and how I ranted for 1 hour about it

On September 1, 2010 I gave a Webuquerque Presentation extolling the virtues of the content management systems I use, religiously, for client sites, ExpressionEngine. Using ExpressionEngine, I've never been able to say no to a client feature for any lack of the system's capability to handle the request, as it has enough built-in that its easy to add functionality on as a PHP programmer. Turns out I was giving a presentation to a group of hungry webbies who had been fed up with Content Management Systems of all walks mainly due to their 1) high barriers to entry and 2) their lack of support and never having quite enough stability to support deployment of projects. Who could blame them? I assured them that with ExpressionEngine, deployment and support are assured, and the barrier to entry is just low enough to be affordable yet high enough to keep the code out of the hands of hackers and/or other unsavory types.

The video

The Photos

Notice some PSYCHED winners of Twitterscapes as doorprize winners!

Thank you to Emily Jones, Zerek Weltz, Emily Lewis, Jason Nakai, and Sam Metheney for everything that you did!

Rick’s “Roll” in our wedding

For our wedding song, Travis picked out In this life by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (get) and one night played it for me before I even knew what it was. It was so romantic and sappy, yet totally accurate, that we both burst into tears. It took listening to it a couple of times before we would ultimately be able to make it through the song without waterworks, but there would be no way to give our guests this advantage. Even if we could, many of them hearing the song for the first time would actually listen to its words and knew what it meant to us. The only way to avoid a sappy, heavy feeling would be to follow the song with something funny, upbeat, or otherwise bizarre. The father-daughter dance was not going to cut it. Then along came this idea that we would Rickroll everyone. Ha! Perfect. Rick Astleys Never gonna give you up (get) would not only be in tune with the theme of our gathering, but after such a sap-filled song, this eighties megahit turned rock paradigm would enliven our guests who were familiar with its success (unlike our wedding song, which was rather obscure) and bring giggles and laughter to everyone who knew about or had been Rickrolled before. Finally, with all the bouncing around I would be doing, the bridesmaids would surely join me on the dance floor for a couple of minutes of nobodys-looking dance moves. We proposed this to the Deejay in our planning meeting who said, We dont have that song. We must have looked really puzzled, because he immediately followed up with, Nobody has requested Rick Astley in 15 years. (If you want to watch a video of our wedding, my cousin and creative blogger Agatha Wells made us a video) Technorati claim tag: VZ6Z72AEZ6ZQ

The Planet Earth: Amazon’s Earth Day gift

The Planet Earth BBC Series is on sale at Amazon today, Earth Day, only. Here is why I'm going to buy this:

The footage covers surface of the earth, pole to pole, covering both the obvious and secret species.
The narrator is a succinctly spoken British man, lending the series an aire of sophistication and drama. There's an American narrator version - this is not it.
The coverage of the animals is at some of their most emotionally dramatic moments - migration, mating, famine, and fear.
The program uses aerial shots and close-ups interchangeably to convey the space of movement and emotions of the scene's participants in an extraordinary perspective.
Its on Blu-Ray, so the resolution is as close to real-life as possible. In fact, you might actually believe it IS real. You know, for a second or maybe 10.

In other news, a Roadrunner found itself in our back yard this morning, drinking the doggie water and looking for lizards. As much as we like our lizards, we were so happy to see this amazing bird at our home for the first time, ever!

A web-based developer makeover

It feels oddly empty and voided: my schedule that is. I have a couple of projects to look forward to, but like any other new job or career situation, this one is taking its sweet time loading up on things to do. I have officially taken the plunge into freelance and have a little too much time on my hands. Wait, no scratch that. I have all the time on my hands that I used to want before I quit my job. Aha! As Im looking around at my online presence, I see no shortage of tidying, organizing, and clarifying that needs to happen before I start to see a lot of work. Not that I dont deserve it - I do, but the website focus is changing from Here I am to somewhere between that and Let me work for you! I have a couple of major things going for me - Im on a site platform that I love, Expressionengine. Its all a developer could ever want, and can be made into what the client needs in every situation. (Im not only the hair club president, but Im also a client.) I also have a design flexible enough to change or be seen in multiple browsers, and have developed my templating to allow for changes on a per-situation basis, whether I deem that to be per-page, per-section or per-paragraph. Long or short, Im not limited by my platform or my design, so that leaves limited to my own invention, my ability to self-reflect and be critical, and my understanding of my websites new desired place on the web and how to get it there. Its going to be a long road, but here are 5 preliminary things I came up with, immediately:

Make Blogs more Bloggy

How many Blogs do i have on my site? Two actually. One is called Conceptually Driven and the other is right here, in Rants and Raves. They function like blogs- I work on them like blogs - a post here, a post there, some pictures, etc. The trouble is, they dont look like blogs, as they are missing some of the features blogs truly deserve: Categories links, Recent posts listings and dates, tags, and obvious connections to social networks, for reader posting and to connect with mine. They actually have RSS feeds, but these can only be found by clicking the little link in the address bar. And just forget about my self-SEO.. In order for my blogs to be seen and used, they must be treated like blogs. This is a fairly simple concept that I have clearly missed until now. It wouldnt hurt to make the rest of my site a little more bloggy too - that way you might be able to find my artwork and videos.. yes, I have those too.

Update site content to reflect my latest career move

This, I have already begun in bits and pieces. However, my About This Site page still details how I found expressionengine and how much I love it, which is funny because that conversation is better saved for in-person, or for a site that is experimental and new. My new career is about moving beyond that and saying/doing/making exactly what is needed of an online situation. I do this well, in fact, but at this moment my content has not caught up. About this Site should really say something like This is the home base for all that I do: check it all out. Its otherwise unprofessional. This also includes adding sites I have recently worked on to the projects section and posting testimonials where appropriate.

Migrate my portfolio into a flexible environment

You may not know this, but my artist portfolio section is contained within a module called "Image gallery" which while sounding promising, is even more limiting for its look and feel flexibility and the ways I am able to use it without hacking it apart. As an Expressionengine developer, a capable one at that, I need to drop this unflexible, antiquated module and migrate my images into a system that is more like the rest of my site, with all its flexibility for templating and for optimizing the page for search engines. As someone who can create major functionality in a page, there is no excuse for using this limiting module that was included for folks who need more pre-existing structure with their development. I thrive on flexibility and fresh ingredients, and this has neither.

Integrate live Twitterscapes

My newest, most favorite art form, Twitterscapes, exists behind a lock and key, so that nobody can reach it and get at it before Im ready for them to. How utterly sad. How can they be shared, loved, experienced, or understood by anyone but me while sitting back here waiting to be explored? Truth is, I want them to be live, but I need the code to work server-side before they do go live. The solution? Get off my duff and expose the most innovative contribution I have ever come up with, live, on my own website. While people are able to see Twitterscapes now, they are not live or driven by anything dynamic, but static representations asking viewers to imagine seeing them live. Not acceptible. The vitality of Twitterscapes exists in their representation of live Twitter data - without this Twitterscapes don't represent the full idea. These need to be live on my site, and then I need to take the sharing from there.

Make leads easier to get

So if someone wants me to develop their website, what do they do? Go to my side bar and fill out this leedle tiny form? Ha ha, No. They see that its so small and so geared towards art that they just move along and find another developer, one who has a huge contact form geared towards development, inquiring about scope, existing sites, budget, etc. That person clearly wants the project! Well I do too, so I need to do that too. End of story. My site wasnt created to generate leads, but now its my best bet of getting them independently of others projects they dont care to work on. Not only do I need this contact form, but I need to make it in an obvious place like http://carolinecblaker.com/contact and have links to it wherever I can justify them, with calls to action that suit my look and feel. They need to be placed at the tops and bottoms of project/portfolio areas and on my sites header. This is a lot of places! It will require some rethinking of design and layout, just a little bit, but this is the most important part of having a website as a developer - if you dont need leads, you probably dont need to develop websites at all. Now since Ive posted these here, this is how I am going to remain accountable - I am going to go through these in the next two weeks and make sure they are done to the best of my understanding. Is there something I missed? Please feel free to let me know below.

A word on moving on

Im moved to post today not because I have any crazy news or life changing events to announce, but because for the first time ever, since moving to Albuquerque, the world is silent in all of its commotion and unyielding in its grounding, and my observation is how grateful I am to be a part of it, and for what help Ive had to build the things that I have around me. I am grateful for so many things; from nature to my family, to the skills I have, to the skills others have, and for my incredible future that is now undeniably independent, lucrative, and everything else I could ask for it to be. Perhaps I wasnt clear before, but I actually DO have very important news to share. I have declared my independence as a freelance web developer and am now taking projects on a bid-by-bid basis. I have dropped my 9-5 completely in favor of taking my own projects and working more closely with my clients to help them get what they want out of their websites. There are many reasons for this change and now it is finally time. Im ready, Im steady, and Im going. This event, though not the reason why Im posting, has triggered an opening in my awareness to how absolutely good I have it, and I need to share that with you, as a fan, family, friend, or complete stranger that you are. You are a part of this. Just by cruising my website and reading my words, checking out my art work, or clicking through some posted link, you are contributing to my amazing life as a part of what I absolutely love about being alive: being able to contribute to the lives of others, like you, from putting a smile on your face, hopefully making you laugh at some point, or showing you new images to enjoy. To participate in your life as this, I am so, so grateful. I wish in some regard that it did not take leaving a job to trigger this flood of gratitude, though Im sure that if it had been possible before this change, I would have witnessed it then. Im getting the sense that my resources were being poorly used, though correctly allocated for survival. Ultimately, standing up for my balance required separation from the situation that required such heavy use of me. Ultimately, its only me who is truly able stand up for my needs, and the same is true for every person. Ultimately, this was the only resolution. Im grateful to have reached this point, even in an unsustainable situation. Im grateful for all that I have learned in that situation. I wouldnt be able to do the work I am going to do without that knowledge. Im grateful that they let me go painlessly. Im grateful to be where I am, with their help. Todays agenda includes a trip up to the hot springs in Jemez in a topless jeep for a little decompression with mother nature. Already, there has been yoga, weight lifting, meditation, gardening, espresso, and oatmeal. The little guys are pleased with my being around more, as is the big guy. With our upcoming marriage, this is a nice brand-new start, and a couple of months to share before he begins his medical internship. Enjoy your beautiful day.

Caroline v. the Cockroach

Round 1:

Its a familiar scene, well, to me at least. Im walking through the door to our little master bathroom and *ahem.. settling down to rest. Not unlike many homes in Albuquerque, the commode isnt far from most other things in our bathroom - and the sink, as a non-exception to this rule, is right next to my head. In any case, Im minding my own business when i look over towards the sink and in the right-hand-side spill hole appear two very long, very orange-brown insect-like projectiles- like feelers. Theyre moving gently around and when I move or turn on the faucent (one thing happened--) they vanished. I promptly flooded the sink in an attempt to wash it back down from wherever it came, whatever it was. Didnt see it again.

Round 2:

Same scenario - Im settling down, and look to my right to notice two very insect-like feelers appearing in the right-hand-side spill hole appear the same lively feelers. This time, I approach them with my hand, before making any noise, and grab one! They are gone faster than I can even look down to see nothing in my hand. Dang, I missed! Well at last the bug is gone. That should teach it to stalk my sink. See you later abdomen-hole!

Round 3:

Last Thursday I was grateful it was Friday. Sitting down again, Im relaxing, and this time, coming out of the left-hand-side spill hole in the bathroom sink is not two but one and a half insect-like feelers. My jaw dropped a little, not only for having proof of this bug being the one that had been stalking my sink for-ever (apparently, I had succeeded in maiming its feeler sufficiently) but also at its audacity for having returned to my spill holes, this time choosing to use the other side for fresh air. This was unsettling and something else had.to.be.done!

As quietly as a kitteh, I dove into the under-sink area and pulled out a third solution, this time bleach clean-up spray (ha-HA!) and aimed and fired, giving a couple of quick squirts to the spill hole, and the head of this bug. It quickly disappeared. Thatll teachem! I thought I was done.

Not a minute later I became aware of some movement in that spill hole. I repeated my shots, this time to what looked like a gigantic insect abdomen that had appeared in the hole. This creature was showing signs of aggravation I had never seen in the previous two encounters. GAAH.. it was gross.. but I couldnt even see it, hardly. Pfft pfft pfft went the spray. Then it appeared to turn itself arround and disappear.

But then, it found the right spill hole again. Not only did it find it, but it practically ejected out of the hole, which was almost not big enough to exit its long, orange, fat insect body. My sink stalker squirmed and wriggled out through this hole like living vomit and fell to the bowl of the sink, upside down, wriggling and writhing.

I let out my best blood-curdler and continued to fire shots. pfftpfftpfftpfftpfftpfftpfftpfftpfft.

Slowly, segment by horrible upside-down wiry chain-sawed leg segment, it stopped moving and died.

Then and only then, did my boyfriend see the evidence of the rumors he had been hearing. And he almost made me flush it too..

Caroline: 1. Cockroach: 0.

The Public Healthcare Debate

The biggest thing happening in this country right now is the debate on how to reform healthcare. And among the majority people, be they simply opinions or long-studied scholars who can recognize economic patterns of cost analysis, there is consensus that the system needs to be changed. Im with everyone- I am (ok.. was AND am) lucky to have the healthcare I did when I discovered my lump, and to have been in a situation where I would not be dropped by my healthcare provider. I was also lucky that research, trials, and treatments had previously been put in place to be available to me in order to classify my outlook as extremely treatable -- whew! While my out of pocket costs for care landed at around $2500, the total dollar amount was around $45 -$100,000 that without insurance, I would have needed to pay out of pocket. My amounts due were usually in the form of $30 copays for treatments, $65 for a two week supply of drugs (including shots, immune support, ativan, and sterroids which I quickly discontinued) and ultimately $1000 for my reconstruction that was covered at 90+%. While it was a strain it came nowhere close to the stress induced by chemo, surgeries, missing work, and having everyone around me thinking i was dying. I realize then, and I still realize now, that having it lucky the way I did was the only way to manage having this at all. Now that Im healthy and thriving again, this healthcare debate is finally moving off of the soap box and onto the legislative floor. Super. One way it might affect me would be to make healthcare available to me within the next two years, regardless of my employment status. Currently being within 5 years of the end of my treatment, I am 100% ineligible for private health plans. This leaves only the possibility of state health plans and group health plans. In short, if I dont work for a company that provides health insurance, my best option is paying $400 a month for a $1500 deductible. So I do. And thats the only option I have until spouse benefits become an option, which is a lifestyle choice that doesnt usually have anything to do with how affordably we wish to stay alive. In my observation, this healthcare policy likens me and others with remission or worse status as second class citizens, for having cost private healthcare companies too much money. [url=http://www.reuters.com/article/euRegulatoryNews/idUSN2146504720090622]http://www.reuters.com/article/euRegulatoryNews/idUSN2146504720090622[/url] Aside from a quick exodus of my five-year purgatory (the time until I can be considered insurable again) the outcome of this debate does not affect me any differently than most normally healthy people. Yes, some day I might get the flu. Yes, some day I might get a melanoma. No, I dont smoke. I dont smoke that either. I exercise, I consider my wellness of 94% of my daily decisions. I choose to be happy and I can sustain that. I drink once in awhile to keep an ace in the hole for laughter and fun. Mostly just on weekends. whatever. Im healthy and fighting the good fight. My cancer is not coming back, and I am normal. Its easy to see why I dont agree that being married to my job is ultimately the healthiest thing for me or anyone else in my shoes. Im an artist AND a web developer, not just one or the other. Yet, one of the strongest incentives for me to stay employed is the promise of affordable no-questions-asked healthcare, and I know Im not the only one in this boat. To branch out and find my own balance, which is constitutionally something Im supposed to allow myself to think about, could potentially be a disaster I regret until I never retire, due to six-figure bills. I am so glad the government is bringing in a new option for all of us, even if they dont know what yet. Everyone needs healthcare. Everyone deserves GREAT healthcare. I know what great healthcare is. Ive used it before, and Ive felt it, through the heartfelt advice and gazes of doctors and nurses who held my hand when nothing made sense. The easiest way to think of providing this for everyone is the single-payer system model that is often referred to as socialized health care from the political right. Same for all, all for all. Its really quite utopian when you think about it. You get sick, you go to the doctor, you get your scripts, you go to the pharmacy. End of transaction. You recover peacefully and go on with life not thinking about how youre going to pay for that shit. The idea is consistent if you think of yourself coming down with something really bad, like gawd-forbid cancer. You see the best doctors available to you, go in for treatment, as long as necessary, and you go along until you are cured, which happens as soon as possible based on how aggressive your condition is and how it responds individually. Since it costs the system more to have you treated longer, the system responds by caring for you intensely with the intention of sending you on your merry way as soon as it is no longer needed. And this will happen for everyone. All for the best right? .. Right? Actually.. this is where it gets a little complicated. Youll have your prelim screenings. Youll have a physical. Youll wait a little longer than usual, but hey- what did you expect from 1000 extra people at the doctors? That being so - they find something - they dont know what, but here is the kicker. You have to come back for further tests - they cant just do them now. Thats right. You might have cancer but instead of knowing in 3 days, youll have to wait 33 days. If youve ever waited 3 days to find out you have cancer - I have - youll know that there is nothing else you can think about, talk about, read about, plan about. Why do you have to wait so long? Because the system is budgeted. And theres a line. A lot of people might have cancer, and they can only run 3 MRIs a day for this kind of cancer, as only a certain percentage of people have this kind and thats all they are allowed to screen. So you finally get your results back, they are less hopeful than expected. What to do? In my situation, I fought tooth and nail like a screaming 4-year-old to avoid chemo, radiation, surgery and everything else, but my doctor just said here are your facts, here are your options. This will give you the best chance at life. I took that advice, but heres what it really boiled down to: Youre 26 years old. Youre strong and young and this isnt just about putting off cancer. Its about putting it away forever. Youre going to have the strongest, most expensive and most effective chemo we have, even though your cancers development is early enough that we would not always indicate chemo at all - Youre going to have surgery until you get clear margins. Even if they have to cut away your whole breast like a carrot. No matter how long it takes. Youre going to have follow-up radiation for 30 sessions, even though we know its gone. Youre going to have follow-ups every six months to monitor your health, because we know that if it does come back, after surviving all of this, its probably deadly and will need to be managed, and we wont be able to find it without MRIs and mammograms. If something is found, you will probably repeat the above steps for the rest of your pitiful life. My course of treatment was one that was over-kill by the books and expensive when I probably would have survived with much less. But it worked, the first time. My doctors saved my life and spared no chance if something better was available. I also had free counseling, free art projects, and the chance to live at home in relative comfort. I did not live in a state that had legalized medical pot but my friends helped me make do regardless. All along I received bills as expected from my insurance company, which may have been late a couple of times but I paid them and that was the end. And my insurance was never terminated. Neither was my job. One thing to know about a single-payer system is that doctors and nurses have legal protocols to follow, and generally speaking this involves providing one kind of treatment for one kind of patient, across the board, with no wiggle room. Penalties for veering off the path for various reasons could vary from lack of compensation to loss of license, which would originate with the government and be distributed from there. Now wait a minute, you say - this would not happen with our government. We have too many free-market doctors and nurses who would stand up to these kinds of restrictions and nobody would stand for a more limited system of healthcare. Well youre right, and this is one reason why they are standing up for it RIGHT NOW. No one single body should determine care protocol, making decisions for thousands of individuals with their lives on the line in a single fell swoop. This is not health care. This is excuse. One argument for single-payer is that it should cost less than the system run by bureaucratic insurance companies - as those who author the system would find trillions of ways to cut costs from the way the system is run now. This is probably true, but only in the short-term. Cutting costs now would do a lot for the economic recovery everyone is trying to feel. Ultimately, the government bureaucracy is no good at cutting its own costs, and will rob Peter to pay Paul every day of the week - so if the war machine is underfunded, for example, your doctors may find that their compensation gets cut, without a trace of how it could be linked to what is costing too much. Or else only certain pharmaceuticals are made available by certain companies for similar compensation issues. Then what is to be done? Overthrow the government, when this thing stops working and gets too bulky? When your care is stripped to bare minimums and where you might have survived cancer before, allocated surgery times, treatment waiting lists and frustrated, apathetic doctors turn your life into a fight-for-survival hell hole when you might have been completely treatable (but of course, youll never know..)Yes I know all of this is heresay, and no, I dont know where the facts are. But they ARE somewhere and I dont have time to find them. This piece is only just to outline my particular awareness of healthcare as I know it. One thing you might not know about our healthcare system as it exists now: we do have a public healthcare system. Yes. The USA has a public healthcare system. Its called IHS (Indian Health Services) and it provides free healthcare to all Native Americans in urban and reservation areas. Any registered Native American can go to any IHS and see a doctor / be treated. This sounds great, but trust me or look into it yourself - Youre going to want to go straight back to your own doctor when you come up on even the best facilities from the outside. The lawns are not green and do not have sprinklers. There are no parking garages or valet parking. Every location is a hospital. None of them have new chairs or examination equipment. Everything is underfunded. There is a saying Dont get sick after June on some reservations where nothing is treated unless it is immediately life threatening, which is sometimes too late. From the AP: When it comes to health and disease in Indian country, the statistics are staggering. American Indians have an infant death rate that is 40 percent higher than the rate for whites. They are twice as likely to die from diabetes, 60 percent more likely to have a stroke, 30 percent more likely to have high blood pressure and 20 percent more likely to have heart disease. American Indians have disproportionately high death rates from unintentional injuries and suicide, and a high prevalence of risk factors for obesity, substance abuse, sudden infant death syndrome, teenage pregnancy, liver disease and hepatitis. Not only do these folks deserve deliverance from this hell-th system, but what if this happened to every person in this country? What if this was all we could get? You can see that these folks dont have a lot of sway in the going of their own care. Its easy to think of a single-payer system as what we all need, want, and what would best serve everyone, but the upkeep, the funding, the inertia keeping these systems from succeeding year after year after year is staggaring. At least Kathleen Sibelius knows, that by all accounts, this is a historic failure. Even if youre holding out hope that with such a big possible single-payer system that the conditions would somehow improve, the odds are completely against. You could compare it to governments - which are more successful - dictatorships or democracies with a 3 part government one being a bicameral legislature? Product availability - monopoly vs. competition? Politics - one party or many? Without competition, our health system will fall to pieces. While health insurance companies should not be making money by denying coverage, so should the government not be given the opportunity to underfund the care of the whole country, usurp freedoms to choose doctors, dictate how they are compensated and how they should treat, in the name of cost control. This is socialized medicine and it does not work. When he is done with Medical school and residency, Travis will be called upon to work for one of these IHS hospitals, as he signed a contract in exchange for his stipend and scholarships. If the Native Americans have access to the same care that privately-insured professionals do, which is the best possible, scenario, the IHS hospitals might have enough funding and resources to treat folks who dont seek such care fully. Hes got 5 years- then he is in here for four. Im still trying to imagine how he will treat psychiatric patients without being able to give them the right meds. While I am 100% for healthcare reform - I believe the President and Congress are right to styme a single-payer initiative to our healthcare system. Public insurance may be our best option, and as long as it is available to everyone, it could be the catalyst to lower costs for everyone. Still yet to consider: How will a public healthcare option affect Native Americans?

Drawing a blank

I am unaware of anything I truly want to express. Though my mind is not inactive, rarely do thoughts linger longer than a few moments, or survive the process of my computer being found in order to be recorded. Sometimes they are just blurbs, the target of Twitter and facebook, but in these truncated frames of completeness, would I have ever guessed that these efforts would soak up the need to write further reflections? Should this be of concern to me? Or perhaps its just about enjoying a little bit of extra silence of the mind. My mind is far from silent, however, for the most part. I find myself thinking in blurbs, as though I could be updating my facebook or twitter status directly from my mind, through ESP. Caroline is in a dangerous situation - there are cinnabons in the terminal. Caroline gives this airport an F in the computing longevity department. Caroline wants to photoshop a photograph to create a painting, but is drawing a blank. Caroline doesnt want to pay for internet @ 7.00 for 2 hours. who does? In these short statements I am constantly declaring the status of my life to an imaginary audience - choosing not to be constantly bothering my PDA that has the capability to help me update a real-life audience via the internet. But though I suspect this pattern of thinking has evolved from posting such updates, I dont find them to be necessary. Sometimes its enough just to confirm my sense of humor to myself, and give anyone who has a real ESP connection to my mind a little extra. These updates, however frivolous, are constant. I hope I wont be sitting next to that guy on the plane Caroline wishes that major airlines could embrace the wi-fi revolution. Caroline is scared of people who hum to their headphones and speed-walk through the airport with no bags. Though they are not always in the third person, as facebook suggests they should be, these updates to no-one sometimes feel like practice for actual tweets and updates, and other times its a way to reassure myself of my own self-worth. These are, after all, the format that my communications take when people like my status, comment on it, or re-tweet it. And with negative and constructive criticism being so out of style, there is only to be gained by participating in these blasts of self-journaling, at least if youre into interaction with people - strangers or not. With so much of myself blasting through my head these days, there is much less anxiety to express myself, be it through writing, art, or grumpy bitching. And while I feel like my life is growing into something I want it to be, its not there yet, but my frustration with the speed at which it is going is waning. With a huge exhibit in 2 weeks and a self-declared working vacation dedicated to its success for the following week I could all but slow the upcoming weeks to make sure I get everything done and every person spoken to. Still, its a sublime transition. After two years of virtual inactivity, the time has come for my art to live a little, and for it to be okay to put it first as a priority, even if its just for a week. Soon enough, with efforts like these, my following will ramp up, my art will earn its place among my highest priorities, and my dream of being an independent artist will be realized. Then, there very well may be thousands of people who receive my updates on a semi-constant basis, and it will matter to them. In the next month, my professional efforts are going to become very involved. Concrete Ocean has scheduled its grand opening with my show with Julie Malone, Still Within, over 1000 miles from where I live. Bearing in mind that I used to live there in St. Louis, it seems only fitting that I would celebrate my 3 year anniversary of cancer survival in the city where I survived, surrounded by the people who helped me. I will also be debuting my Tuesday Night Ritual, an effort that began 6 years ago, and was finished only within the last several months. Though its important for me to keep the location of my show true to concept, I think my motivation for organizing a show in St. Louis really came from a conservative need to make this a huge show for me and to make it easy for my biggest audience, undoubtedly still in St. Louis, to be easily reached by local marketing and invited to this show which is a celebration as much as it is an art show. My goals for this show are as follows: To relax into a great art show. To make enough money to justify the costs. To reconnect with old friends. To reignite my connections in St. Louis. To come out a better artist than I walked in as, better connected, better respected, and with broader options for the future. I am dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, though realistically I presume. And all of this is possible. As long as I stay organized and motivated, its all within reach. And now, I wonder if my status updates to my own mind are a tool to help me stay organized, present, and focused; if these self status updates are a sign of my growing voice and a will to be true to myself and exist and create within my own sustainable boundaries. The disconcerting part about those is that I feel that they may be my most active creative outlet, causing me to be less motivated to make art and hone skills, creativity, and career. But then I think about all of the pressure I am under at work, and all that Im really trying to do, and realize that I am doing my best at all times, and that is all I can really do. Given a chance, I would change all kinds of things about my life, but some things I just have to work through and be happy about that. But Im feeling less and less frustrated with that process, because Im beginning to see progress. The passage of time has finally brought me three years cancer free, and when I think about all that I have been able to accomplish in those three years I immediately sit back and give myself a break. And then I forget about pressuring myself anymore and just let me update myself more freely. Again and again. Even if I draw a blank, it is a blank of stillness, of peace. Im lucky to have even one. Though honestly, I still cannot wait until June 😉

A Pleasure to meet You!

Its been just a few days short of one calendar year since I have moved to Albuquerque, and time has really flown, especially if you consider exactly how long I have gone without making real connections or friends. How the heck did I do it? Well one thing is for sure - counterintuitively, its much easier to make connections being single - or at least, much more of a necessity. For the first time ever in my days, moving to a new place has not seen make friends to be high on the priority list. I can thank Travis for this (gotta love him) because hes kept me so happy that I havent needed anyone to keep me company. But now the deficit of professional connections and an ever-growing perception that I might be missing out are leaning me towards a more impulsive exploration of the city. Get out and enjoy your own kind! It says. Now wtf? My own kind? Do I have a kind? You bastard.. but no seriously. I do have a kind. Its the all-around creative with a lot of skills here and a few skills there. You can even take away the word creative and replace it with mechanic or student or even architect or clerical and still maintain some camaraderie. Really, the only thing that matters is that your skill levels and experience relate favorably to your age (group.) So here I am having plans to go to the gym - yet I find a way to come home even more satisfied - the Web Geeks Happy Hour I found at Albuquerques own Social Networking site. This is a group that gets together once a month just for fun and networking - a sort of co-promotive group of equally altruistic, self-promoting, and who-gives a .. minded folk who like me, have many skills plus a few skills. Yet we can all aim at making that few skills more skills, but then you get a few more skills. But I digress. Its easy to be intimidated by such groups as you approach a table where you know nobody knowing that you spent the last three hours of your life determined to get there. And I was, especially meeting folks with book deals and larger than life careers, older than me and seemingly within the same bracket of uptight. Enter alcohol. Ok scratch that last bit. Once youre sitting down and have a bit to say it isnt so bad. You wont even necessarily talk about related things. But of course, you probably will, because, like Twitter, everybody always wants to know what everybody else is doing. Speaking of Twitter, (since everybody is talking about it) I was lead to this particular gathering from Twitter after finding someone who operates in Expression Engine (as in, the website youre on right now is in this Content Management System) and in Albuquerque - on Twitter. And though I have attended WebGeeks before, this time I found it through a completely separate set of leads, which was something I never expected. To clarify: I never expected something I already knew about through one avenue to surprise me around a separate corner of the web through people I didnt know and unrelated websites. There are a lot of appropriate quotations to go along with this experience, leaving me with the impression that Im not the first one to experience this, and yeah, duh! Youve been ignoring the gentle sublteties of your own exposure to life and knowledge this whole time. Welcome to earth, and the web, which has finally caught up to your perception of truly remarkable, unpredictable, and perhaps miraculous. Well thanks, glad to be here. And glad to meet you. (Whoever owns the image used.. for web geeks.. that I stole.. thanks.)

Finally some ME time..

You may have noticed that the website has taken a turn for the extreme better. After eight hours of development using the Stickman Labs Accordion with this fix for Prototype 1.6, my website's navigation has finally come of age. Yes, you too can get to where you want to go with just a click of your mouse, or two. You can also browse the entirety of the website's contents from any page. This is a huge fix from the last system, which was essentially characterized by its own lack-of. But I'm glad to be improving the online experience of .carolinecblaker.com. As a web developer, I'm always coming up with new ideas for this site, though not always with the time at hand. But its like they say, one step at a time.

Micro-Recyclo

Trying to get to work in this office can be so hard! There are distractions, co workers, things I dont like. That and my job stretches me in so many different directions that I often feel resentment towards the lack of energy and creativity I retain towards building my own future in the mean time. Time after work is full of relationship-related spending time, living with someone new invariably obligates the people involved to give as much time to each other as is available. .carolinecblaker. smiling

The above issues have inspired a lot of thought and a possible solution - to micro recycle my time throughout the day. So far, this means to use breaks I would ordinarily spend on Facebook and Huffington Post (reading comments and rants) and use them instead as micro efforts on my website and writing (like this very article) a few minutes at a time, to eat away little by little at my to-do list but more so help me find the peace of mind I require from taking a proactive effort in my own future. This is one habit to change that might go a long way. My 40-hr/wk work is building client websites, requiring heavy concentration and focus. Im most effective while working in spurts, (as in, think! ~rest, think! ~rest, THIIIINk, ~~rest, you get the idea.) I used to beat myself up mentally for needing such frequent relief of my work, before I learned that I was considered to be a top performer in terms of effectiveness at my office. This is good, as I love the internet, and as a web developer, its always at my disposal for research, social networking, and staying informed. Hence my frequent aforementioned breaks in those habits. But I would still go home feeling wrecked, and now my dreams have been telling me that over time Ive built up a frustration with feeling trapped and slow from not moving quickly enough, not developing carolinecblaker.com enough. It may have taken about a year, but Ive finally hit the realization that I waste a lot of time on empty content throughout the day. Its okay to take the breaks I need, but with too much news and all of its pessimism and bitterness, and all of Facebooks who does what, I find myself wanting this time to be enlightening and restful, perhaps even balancing, like meditation, but instead it sucks the life out of me. And then I go home and theres no time to do anything about it. While I realize this should have been fairly obvious from the beginning, I did have my reasons for going the direction I went in. Firstly, I had in mind to do only office type work while I sat at this desk under the clock of my employer. This isnt exactly wrong. Its also a darned good strategy for making good at the office for the first ... oh however long it takes for them to really get to know you. You never know which levels your employer will choose to eavesdrop and its not appropriate to ask. What would you have to hide anyway? New hires cannot afford to incur this skepticism. Eventually I developed this breaking habit that kept me sane, but it was counterproductive on all levels. After 10Am, I almost never used it for research. Between Facebook and Huffington Post, it was almost exclusively reading the rants of strangers and off-topic news that did not affect my life, much less my job. I didnt notice immediately when I fell into this habit, but I did notice when occasionally after an hour or two of this I would have nothing accomplished. That being said, I was nearly as bored as when I had plunged into the almighty break, perhaps explaining why I had stayed so long? Counter-intuitive as it might seem, the longer I stayed, the boreder I stayed, the harder I looked for that fix, especially when I could not anticipate its arrival. Thinking about it makes it sound like a normal addiction. There are times when the news stories are way too good to miss - like todays Washington Whodunit regarding the let-slip of the Executive Cap provision that came out with AIGs executive bonus contracts. Sometimes there is an update every 15 minutes that is jaw-dropping. With the surfacing of the corruption in Washington that has been compiling for more than 30 years, its a nailbiter to say the least. This stuff couldnt be written or imagined! Oh wait, Ayn Rand did it. But theres an additional benefit to breaking away from this already distasteful habit - Often times the work that I do for myself and the work that I do for my office intersect - and I can use the work of my website to benefit work at the office, like copying code that I have already written or else researching tags and modules above and beyond the office for my personal website only to find that I need the knowledge in the office. With so much coming up this summer, I can hardly imagine how Im going to get everything done. I have an out-of-town show in St. Louis and a gallery trade-out in May. I also will be going on a vacation this year. Yet I want to research generative art, get real with my website, and move along with my painting. I do think that micro-recycling my time will be one subtle yet forceful way to make a difference, especially with all of the ideas I have for my own projects during the flow of the office.

My Art

Sensing Water

.carolinecblaker.

Oil Paintings, Latex Paintings, Data Art.

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